I normally don't enjoy first person stories.  There's just something so amateurish about them, IMO.  But occasionally, a story will work best written that way.   Beaver James seems to be one such example.  Writing a story in first person usually implies that the person speaking survives the crisis he deals with in the story.  We know from the series that Beaver dies, but telling the story through his eyes somehow made it more powerful -- and in the end, more tragic.  Well done.

Hey, Yuchtar!  Good to hear from you!

It's true that writing good first person stories is a challenge.  I'm afraid my opinion has been heavily influenced by working as the Director of Teen Literature at a District library.  The books I bought for the teens were often written in first person, and the quality of the writing was really poor.  But the teens didn't care.  They ate them up! 

I have read one novel that was extremely well-written in first person, and I've never forgotten it for that reason.  The author took full advantage of the unique aspects of that POV to craft a very entertaining (and terrifying) horror story.  It was Tom Tryon's Harvest Home.  If you know of other examples of great first person POV novels, tell me!  I'm always on the look-out for new (well, new to me!) authors.

Just a couple things - watch the commas - there are some in places they don't belong. Stationery is what you write on.

In this case the first-person works well, but you have the potential to do so much more.

How does James feel about going from top pilot to shipping clerk? (He complains of getting old but he's also semi-handicapped. Does he resent it or is he just glad to be alive?) What happened to him? What's his real first name? (I doubt it's really Beaver.) What did Lake do that makes him so fond of her and so upset at the thought of putting her in danger? What does he think about Straker, and why?

All we really know about him is from Foster reading James' service record and Straker's disinclination to shoot first.

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The Lovejoy books by Jonathan Gash are WONDERFUL! Well, the last couple haven't been so great, but the earlier ones are fantastic. The Falco books by Lindsey Davis and several of the Reacher books by Lee Child are told in the first person. Anything by Len Deighton is great. (Well, his fiction, I mean - his history books are not written in first person, but they are great!). The Nero Wolfe books by Rex Stout, Philip Marlowe mysteries by Raymond Chandler, the Alex Delaware novels by Jonathan Kellerman, the Repairman Jack series by F. Paul Wilson and if you don't mind some homoerotic smut with your mystery, the Miles Diamond trilogy by Derek Adams. 

LOL!

Have I forgotten anyone? 

Okay, I'm going to be a 'meanie' here and admit I think you could do more, really play with this.  Remember, this is YOUR story, so you can take or leave my suggestions and comments. I never liked commenting in fear of hurting someone, but I suppose part of writing is making comments. I whine when I don't get them, so I can hardly whine if I don't give them in the first place. This second revision is better than the first because you add details. But I'd ask you, what is the purpose of this story? What can you add to that part of the Mindbender episode?  More of Beaver's feelings toward his colleagues, as you have done here, certainly.  But let me make a guess. Your purpose in this story may be to illustrate Virginia's character further, hold it up to the light. Okay, assuming you agree to some degree, here's a whole other direction to go in, which would tie everything together. Write this incident from Ginny's point of view. What was happening in her head when Beaver grabs her? What is the aftermath? What were her feelings toward Beaver? We see Foster's, we see Straker's, and I think Virginia made some comments. Suppose you do this using her. That way you can add to the incident. Here's another idea. Would Straker have informed Beaver's family? Was Beaver close to retiring? Did he have a family? How was he recruited to SHADO? Does he have a wife and kids? Suppose Straker tells Foster to inform his family that he died? Suppose Ginny asks for that duty, knowing she almost died in the same way in Timelash, here the incident repeats, that has to be damn frightening. What's going through her mind? How is she feeling? Fear affects the body, is she shaking, what's going through her head, her own family, wondering if it had been her, would she have. Suppose she requests that duty to challenge herself, plus she wants for Beaver's wife and kids to be told with compassion, not presented with a stark fact. Suppose Beaver is gay? Suppose she is really surprised about Beaver's apartment? Suppose he had no one to mourn him, suppose he was divorced? Suppose all he had in his life was first his military career and then SHADO? Picture in your mind what his place looks like, what he owned or didn't own, put Virginia into the head of an investigator, she needs closure. What can you say about Beaver and Virginia that wasn't covered in the episode? For me (and again nothing is wrong with the writing nor am I saying this is bad) the story doesn't go too far past what actually happened. In my story Dire Situation, I was trying to say
  Maybe Beaver liked her because she never once treated him like an invalid even when he was recovering? Is she thinking about her own retirement? Is she feeling her own mortality, seeing Straker's feelings as opposed to Foster's? Did she do this to overcome her fears? Remember Straker telling Foster about getting older? There's lots of possibilities. Who was Beaver James, really? And because she takes on this duty for Beaver, who is SHE, beyond the workplace facades?

Okay you can take or not take what you want, and hit me now 

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Me? A Trek fan? Whatever gave you that idea? Buahahahahaha!

Actually, thinking about that list - I don't think the Repairman Jack books are written in first person. Been so darned long since I've read one, I can't remember.

And I am sleepy, so I'm goin' to bed now. Nitey-nite!

Goodnite Yuchtar, sweet dreams.