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Very Hot Topic (More than 25 Replies) FDK - Beaver James (Read 8515 times)
Matt
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FDK - Beaver James
Apr 1st, 2011 at 3:12am
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One shot and done, a rewrite of a story I did last year converting it to first person POV.

You can comment below on the same thread if you like. Smiley
  

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Neesierie
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #1 - Apr 1st, 2011 at 4:04am
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I normally don't enjoy first person stories.  There's just something so amateurish about them, IMO.  But occasionally, a story will work best written that way.   Beaver James seems to be one such example.  Writing a story in first person usually implies that the person speaking survives the crisis he deals with in the story.  We know from the series that Beaver dies, but telling the story through his eyes somehow made it more powerful -- and in the end, more tragic.  Well done.
  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #2 - Apr 1st, 2011 at 4:33am
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I normally don't enjoy first person stories.  There's just something so amateurish about them, IMO.


Oh, I'm the opposite - I love First Person POV best - to read and to write - it is challenging to write. This was interesting - I need to watch that ep again - man, been a while since I've watched any UFO eps.

Neato, Matt!! Smiley
  

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Neesierie
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #3 - Apr 1st, 2011 at 12:00pm
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Hey, Yuchtar!  Good to hear from you! Smiley

It's true that writing good first person stories is a challenge.  I'm afraid my opinion has been heavily influenced by working as the Director of Teen Literature at a District library.  The books I bought for the teens were often written in first person, and the quality of the writing was really poor.  But the teens didn't care.  They ate them up!  Cheesy

I have read one novel that was extremely well-written in first person, and I've never forgotten it for that reason.  The author took full advantage of the unique aspects of that POV to craft a very entertaining (and terrifying) horror story.  It was Tom Tryon's Harvest Home.  If you know of other examples of great first person POV novels, tell me!  I'm always on the look-out for new (well, new to me!) authors.
  

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Matt
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #4 - Apr 1st, 2011 at 5:09pm
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Thank guys! Wink The original version of this was the second story I had written, and after the fact, I realized that it would be much more powerful in first person as the POV stayed on Beaver throughout the story. I agree with both of you, it is hard and it's more than just changing the pronouns although in this story I didn't have to do much more than that. Sometimes even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Roll Eyes

The best first person fiction I have read, to date, is two Star Trek novels by Diane Carey, Dreadnought and Battlestations. Really great reads! Smiley

I think I have a idea to answer some of the things that happened in The Responsiblity Seat. My muse hit me with it this morning and she doesn't take no for an answer. In her words, "If you don't like it, don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out. Must be the blue-grey eyes and the ash blonde hair. *snicker* I can't say no! Cheesy It will be a short one and I might need the opinions of the members of the Ed Straker Drooling Society. Grin
  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #5 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 1:16am
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Just a couple things - watch the commas - there are some in places they don't belong. Stationery is what you write on.

In this case the first-person works well, but you have the potential to do so much more.

How does James feel about going from top pilot to shipping clerk? (He complains of getting old but he's also semi-handicapped. Does he resent it or is he just glad to be alive?) What happened to him? What's his real first name? (I doubt it's really Beaver.) What did Lake do that makes him so fond of her and so upset at the thought of putting her in danger? What does he think about Straker, and why?

All we really know about him is from Foster reading James' service record and Straker's disinclination to shoot first.

  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #6 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 1:48am
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Thanks, for the feedback Deb! That gives me some new stuff to think about. I have a couple of ideas for a name, I'll tinker some more! Wink
  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #7 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 4:37am
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If you know of other examples of great first person POV novels, tell me!  I'm always on the look-out for new (well, new to me!) authors.


The Lovejoy books by Jonathan Gash are WONDERFUL! Well, the last couple haven't been so great, but the earlier ones are fantastic. The Falco books by Lindsey Davis and several of the Reacher books by Lee Child are told in the first person. Anything by Len Deighton is great. (Well, his fiction, I mean - his history books are not written in first person, but they are great!). The Nero Wolfe books by Rex Stout, Philip Marlowe mysteries by Raymond Chandler, the Alex Delaware novels by Jonathan Kellerman, the Repairman Jack series by F. Paul Wilson and if you don't mind some homoerotic smut with your mystery, the Miles Diamond trilogy by Derek Adams.  Smiley

LOL!

Have I forgotten anyone?  Smiley
  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #8 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 4:55am
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Okay I incorporated some changes, fixed the punctuation (I hope) and spelling error, and gave him a real name. (I had some fun with that.) Cheesy

I wanted to keep it short so I didn't dive into too much extra detail. :Smiley

Yes it's still sad, can't help that. Cry

Nice list for reading Yuchtar, BTW I checked out your website. Real cool! Yup, I'm a Trek fan too. First Generation! Cheesy
  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #9 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 5:28am
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Okay, I'm going to be a 'meanie' here and admit I think you could do more, really play with this.  Wink Remember, this is YOUR story, so you can take or leave my suggestions and comments. I never liked commenting in fear of hurting someone, but I suppose part of writing is making comments. I whine when I don't get them, so I can hardly whine if I don't give them in the first place. Grin This second revision is better than the first because you add details. But I'd ask you, what is the purpose of this story? What can you add to that part of the Mindbender episode?  More of Beaver's feelings toward his colleagues, as you have done here, certainly.  But let me make a guess. Your purpose in this story may be to illustrate Virginia's character further, hold it up to the light. Okay, assuming you agree to some degree, here's a whole other direction to go in, which would tie everything together. Write this incident from Ginny's point of view. What was happening in her head when Beaver grabs her? What is the aftermath? What were her feelings toward Beaver? We see Foster's, we see Straker's, and I think Virginia made some comments. Suppose you do this using her. That way you can add to the incident. Here's another idea. Would Straker have informed Beaver's family? Was Beaver close to retiring? Did he have a family? How was he recruited to SHADO? Does he have a wife and kids? Suppose Straker tells Foster to inform his family that he died? Suppose Ginny asks for that duty, knowing she almost died in the same way in Timelash, here the incident repeats, that has to be damn frightening. What's going through her mind? How is she feeling? Fear affects the body, is she shaking, what's going through her head, her own family, wondering if it had been her, would she have. Suppose she requests that duty to challenge herself, plus she wants for Beaver's wife and kids to be told with compassion, not presented with a stark fact. Suppose Beaver is gay? Suppose she is really surprised about Beaver's apartment? Suppose he had no one to mourn him, suppose he was divorced? Suppose all he had in his life was first his military career and then SHADO? Picture in your mind what his place looks like, what he owned or didn't own, put Virginia into the head of an investigator, she needs closure. What can you say about Beaver and Virginia that wasn't covered in the episode? For me (and again nothing is wrong with the writing nor am I saying this is bad) the story doesn't go too far past what actually happened. In my story Dire Situation, I was trying to say
  Maybe Beaver liked her because she never once treated him like an invalid even when he was recovering? Is she thinking about her own retirement? Is she feeling her own mortality, seeing Straker's feelings as opposed to Foster's? Did she do this to overcome her fears? Remember Straker telling Foster about getting older? There's lots of possibilities. Who was Beaver James, really? And because she takes on this duty for Beaver, who is SHE, beyond the workplace facades?

Okay you can take or not take what you want, and hit me now  Grin
  
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #10 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 6:23am
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my comments are incomplete because I'm in the middle of getting ready to go back home, but what I wanted to say was in Dire Situation I wanted to hold Straker's feelings outside of SHADO up to the light. I tend to like psychological, emotional stories that are my interpretation of Straker's life outside command. In dire, he's coping with recently finding out Mary remarried, and they've told Johnny he can't play that game. Nobody says no to Straker, especially when it involves his son. So he too, plays a game, the game of outmaneuvering the Rutlands. His son can't see his flaws, his son doesn't understand why he must be away from Straker. Straker has some satisfaction until Mary threatens to take away the visitations. She does that, and Ed Straker, the average divorced father vanishes. In his place is Commander Ed Straker, and he doesn't pull his punches. Of course, in the end, Straker loses the game in more ways than one. He loses the game, his son, and a part of himself. So I was showing a different side of him, the Dad, the side that was a hero to  his son Johnny.
  
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #11 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 8:20am
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Nice list for reading Yuchtar, BTW I checked out your website. Real cool! Yup, I'm a Trek fan too. First Generation!


Me? A Trek fan? Whatever gave you that idea? Buahahahahaha! Smiley

Actually, thinking about that list - I don't think the Repairman Jack books are written in first person. Been so darned long since I've read one, I can't remember.

And I am sleepy, so I'm goin' to bed now. Nitey-nite! Smiley
  

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Matt
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #12 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 8:21am
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Thanks for the insight Amelia. Construtive critique is never an issue. Okay, let's see, why did I write this. Last year a friend was working on a type of short story called a One Hour Only format. The story was to be about a thousand words, give or take, and cover one hour of the character's life. It could be between scenes or episodes but it had to cover one hour. I decided to do one for Beaver and in doing so, stay on his point of view. The original version was done in third person POV and I knew after I had finished it that first person would have worked much better. I had not really thought about Virginia's involvment other than the fact that he was holding the gun to her just before he was killed. I only added more embelishments to her side just to explain why Beaver would be upset to learn that he had hurt her. By the way she greeted him earlier in the episode I sensed that they had more history than some of the other staff. I don't think it was romantic or such but something was there, it could have been nothing more than a held open door, or bringing one a coffee.

But the whole idea with Virginia sounds like a great idea for another (or companion) story. It's awesome. Comparing the incident in Mindbender with the one in Timelash would draw a great parallel. Wink

You and Deb are right, this storyline does have a lot of potential. Smiley

I didn't figure Mary and Rutland to have been married all that long in Q of P. So I think your depiction works well in your story. Yes Q of P was tragic, I wrote the graveyard scene for Misssion of Mercy and it was quite emotional. Cry In my story Virginia sees Ed cry at his son's grave but chooses to stay out of sight to allow Ed his privacy. Of course Ed had spotted her at the funeral, a point he brings up in Absence.
  

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Matt
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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #13 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 8:22am
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Goodnite Yuchtar, sweet dreams. Smiley
  

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Re: FDK - Beaver James
Reply #14 - Apr 2nd, 2011 at 1:13pm
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Thanks, Yuchtar!  I appreciate the library reading list!  Woo-hoo!  Someone new to read!   Smiley

Sleep well, and thanks again!  Smiley
  

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